transcends my love of dating the wrong type of guys.
One of the major problems I have seen in my dating routine is that I am too nice and too welcoming. With Social Retard, I wanted him to be this great boyfriend that immediately felt like part of the family, so I made it happen. I invited him everywhere, showed him the ways of the world. After two months of dating in college, I asked him to come to the big Christmas party and to bring something nice to wear. He brought white tennis shoes and mildly ripped jeans. At first, I was embarrassed, but I was totally in love with his potential I and constantly tried to make him live up to my standards.
I should have known from the misspelled poem that he gave me for my birthday that he never would.
My family is so amazing at Christmas it makes me insanely proud to be a part of the family. We have traditions that are so ridiculous, yet so fun, and I can't get enough of it. We've got Neighborhood Christmas, Lit la Yul-Laftu (little Christmas Eve in butchered Norwegian), Christmas at the Farm, Mom's family Christmas, the shopping spree (my dad takes us shopping the day after Christmas for three items), and the big Christmas party.
My parents started hosting the big Christmas party at their house before I was born. Back in the day, people would bring their own wine to drink and they would drunkenly sing Christmas carols while eating pretzels out of tupperware. Now, there's a bartender, a caterer, and 60-page bound songbooks. My mom plays the piano. The party is so popular among their friends that my mom makes the list smaller by cutting the people who talk during the singing. I shit you not. You sing or you're cut. She also separates people into parts and makes us harmonize. It's an absolute riot.
I might be making it sound way worse than it is because it is the MOST FUN party in the whole world. It's a lot of drunk lawyers and great conversation and it's doesn't feel like Christmas until this party happens. People tell us that ALL the time. It's absolutely hilarious. My friends (The Seven Sparkles and Andrew) have even started inviting themselves and they LOVE it. We don't start singing carols until everyone is pretty toasted...
After Social Retard and I broke up, I cut him off cold turkey. When we finally started talking again several months later, the big Christmas party is the first thing he brought up in conversation. Should I be surprised? Annoyed?
How important is it that your family like the person that you date?
As soon as I got the approval from the fam, I lost my virginity to him in the basement after the big Christmas party. In the infamous guest room in the basement. Niiiiiiice.
How much does it influence how much WE like the person we are dating?
Since I was so in love with his potential, I saw Social Retard fitting in with the family and immediately felt more of a connection.
Does it cloud our perception of the situation and how right they are for us?
It totally did. I made our relationship work because I thought my family would be disappointed if I did not. If I really look back at Social Retard, I realize I was trying to put a square peg in a round hole (literally and figuratively...) and it would have never worked.
I have decided that it is important for my family to genuinely like the person I choose to date. However, the fact that my family likes them should not influence how much I like the guy. Such was the problem with the Social Retard Ex. He liked my family more than he liked me, and my family liked him more than I did. So when he said, "I think I've been with you this long because I liked your family so much," it hurt, but it also rang true.
My breakup advice is such.
Don't let your family have visitation rights. My mother would have called him if I let her, and it would have made it much, much harder. And when Social Retard asked if he could still be friends with my brother after the breakup, I said no. Connor (my brother) said this to me and I will never forget it. "Clumsy, I will always choose you over the guys you date. You're family and he's not lucky enough to be a part of it."
Pretty good stuff, for an eighteen year-old brother. Pretty good stuff.
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2 comments:
I can definitely relate to wanting a "fixer-upper." I used to believe that I could help a guy out who had more tattoos than brain cells and dealt drugs. Good thing that didn't work out. Family is a huge influence! I know I broke up with a guy just because my dad didn't like him, and he hadn't even met him yet. Good thing you have a good family.
Hmmm... not sure I agree with you on the friendship with family after the break up. I've actually addressed that in the blog before.
However, that guest room? Man, some serious magic goes on there.
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