If you'd like...

So, we have this hilarious security guard at work. He's pretty young, but he's a bigger guy. I'm pretty nice to him, I always say hi, but I don't really go above and beyond that.

The funny thing about him is, he steals from the vending machines. When we had that earthquake a few months back, I wasn't sure if the shaking was an earthquake or the security guard getting free stuff from the vending machines (we've caught him in the act before). If he would just ask, I would lend him the money! But seriously, it's so hilarious.

Well, today, I grabbed lunch across the street by myself. Walked back and grabbed the elevator. He ran to catch it too.

Slow elevator. Silence.

Slowest elevator ever. Silence.

So, here it goes:

Clumsy: Geez, it is hot out today.

Security Dude: Yeah, it's like a sauna.

Clumsy: Yeah, I was out there for five minutes and I think I am sunburned.

Door opens.

Phew. Relief. No more awkward conversation.

But, wait.

Security Dude: Um, hey, I was meaning to ask you, uh if you didn't have any uh, uh, plans this weekend, on Saturday, a friend of mine, a buddy of mine....

(can this pickup take any longer....)

One thousand one.

Security Dude: (continues) Um, like a friend of mine, um, on Saturday, if you're not busy, um, like a friend of mine he's like opening a porno shop, and um I don't know what you're doing...

(did he just say porno shop?...haha...what???)

One thousand fifty-nine.

Security Dude: (continues) just throwing it out there, but um, if you wanted to come, they're like having a live taping, uh, if you're interested.

(Uhhhhh....silence.)

Clumsy: Um, I am going to be in Vegas this weekend, but wow, uh, that sounds interesting.

I walk away slowly. Digesting what just happened.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED????

The worst, most disturbing pick-up line in the history of mankind.

Oh.

My.

God.

I just had to share it with you.

It's been a long time...

and I'm sorry. I'm so sad.


My internet went out.

Jim kissed another girl.

They started dating. Seriously.

I started moping.

I'm on vacation with my family now. Trying to catch my breath and trying not to cry.

It's been tough. What do I do? Move out? Live through it. Pretend like I don't mind?

Pretend I believe in love and guys again?

Maybe.

I have you.

I have faith in you.

And that's about it.