Bumping Foreheads...

Jim has been planning on going on a mission trip out of the country for months now.  I knew it was coming, a two week trip, and I was starting to get sad he was leaving.  That's two weeks of no flirting.  

Dang.

We both got texts from Chad's girlfriend on the Friday before he left, asking if we wanted to get drinks later (Chad was out of town).  I was hoping that I could spend the night hanging out with just Jim, but then again, I was trying to be non-chalant about this crush.  I reluctantly agree to meet Chad's girlfriend out at the bar, not knowing whether or not Jim would be attending.

I left the house at 9pm and Jim was not home yet.  I assumed he was packing for the trip and such.  Chad's gf and I order drinks and chat for a while...we are waiting for her guy friend to get here.  Her friend meets us there and brings a friend. A really cute friend.  Let's call him Brad the Hottie.

It's total nonsense if I don't flirt with this dude.  He's cute, smart, successful and funny.  But he's not Jim, and I almost feel guilty laying on the flirtitude.  I was telling stories and making him laugh.  Chad's gf was catching up with her college bud and it almost felt like a setup or something.  I mean, BTH and I really hit it off.

Chad's gf comes over to me at around 11pm and says, "I'm going to text Jim and tell him to come meet us."

I had no idea if he was coming or not.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jim, making his way through the crowd, beelining towards me.  He sees Chad's gf, gives her a mini-hug and then comes over to give me a hug...it wasn't as mini as hers was.

I swear, as soon as Jim showed up, BTH left.  He shook my hand and left.  He didn't ask for my number, he didn't say "hope to see you again," he just left.  Jim leans over and says, "Whoa, did I just kill your game there?  That dude gave me the worst look when I showed up here."

Clumsy:  "I didn't even notice...if he was really into me, he would have asked for my number."

Jim:  "Okay, whatever, but man, he gave me an evil look."

After a while, we hit the dance floor and we hit it hard.  It was funny.  Jim was only dancing with me and Chad's gf was dancing with her friend.  For a moment, I swear Jim was about to start grinding me.  We had gotten caught up in one of our sex talks again.

The bar closes down and we are leaving.  Chad's gf is in no state to drive home, so of course, we tell her she's staying at our house.  I was feeling bold once again and suggested Jim and I get cigars.  This time he gets more expensive cigars for us and we head home to the porch.

Chad's gf literally went straight to bed and Jim and I started smoking stogies outside.  We start talking about one of Jim's friends who is a real piece of work.  She's obviously into him and she is a few candles short of a birthday cake if you catch my drift.  She's pretty enough, but weird.  Really weird.  A couple months ago, she asked Jim to rank her after she ranked him an 8.  He did not ask to be ranked.  And he's a dude, so he does not realize you should never answer this question unless they are a 9 or 10.

Jim:  "I told her she was a 7..."

Clumsy:  "No you didn't....seriously?"

Jim:  "She asked my honest opinion and I told her the truth.  She's okay, but she's definitely a 7, Chad even thinks she's a 6."

Clumsy:  "Haha.  That is so bad.  If I am ever that needy and drunk and ask your honest opinion of how pretty I am...DON'T tell me.  Don't tell me EVER!  I don't want to know."

Jim:  (kinda under his breath) "Clumsy, I don't think you'd be really disappointed..." 

*Did Jim just try and tell me I am pretty?  Do roommates tell each other things like this?

We continue to talk about life and broken hearts and how hard it is to put yourself out there.

Our cigars are finished.  I won, my stub was shorter.

We lean out over the porch and continue to talk.  

Jim puts his hand on my waist.

He pulls me over to him and gives me the biggest hug.  One of those hugs that is not going to end because neither of you want to let go.

After about ten minutes, my heart is racing.  Holy crap, he is going to kiss me.  Jim is going to kiss me.

He pulls back a little bit, looks straight at me and then kisses me.  Kisses me for long time.  Pushed up against the balcony.  It was really passionate, seriously, it was great.  All this buildup, you'd think it wouldn't be all that I hoped for, but it was.

After our neighbor hollers at us, he grabs my hands and leads me inside.  We stand in the kitchen, drinking water, just talking.  He turns off the light in the kitchen, pushes me up against the counter and we make out some more.  It's somewhere around 3 or 4 in the morning and things are starting to get a little heated.

After one particularly passionate kiss, Jim pulls away.

Jim:  "Okay, I have to go to bed because I don't have an off button."

Clumsy:  "See you tomorrow."

Jim:  "Ah, I just made out with my roommate!  I made out with my roommate and I am not supposed to be dating for  a year. "

Clumsy: "Yep.  You ready for this?"

Jim:  "I don't know."

This is the part where we went to sleep in our own beds.  

Sweet Dreams.

Want a glass of wine?

I have learned that those five words are some of the best words I hear from the faux beau.  It usually means he wants to hang out and watch a movie with me.  Just me.  Me and nobody else.

I really like that.

It started out as a pretty eventful Saturday.  I went to get my hair done at the best place I have ever let lay a hand on my strands.  I have this Japanese stylist who only says a few things to me for the two hours I am there.  

Stylist: "Darker?"

Clumsy: "Yes, please."

Stylist: "Massage?"

Clumsy: "Yes, please."

She literally gives me a free massage with my color.  She never tries to sell me anything and she sits there and massages not only my head, but my shoulders and neck too.  It is the best money I have ever spent at the stylist.  Seriously.

I feel only slightly guilty that I am cheating on my stylist from my hometown.  I haven't been back home in a while and last time she dyed my hair so blonde, it was as dry and damaged as a haystack sitting on my head.

After the stylist, I went to Marshall's where I bought myself a dress and some soft, white towels. Maybe the purity of the white towels will make my roommate who shares a shower with me fall in love with me.  Holy crap, I am really this screwed up in the head.  I think of stuff like this and then blog about it.

Then, I went to the Ole Boss's house to clean up his disaster of an office for a few hours.  I couldn't wait to get home and relax.  It was my first weekend in over a month that I didn't have guests and wasn't traveling.  Then, I got a text from a quasi-friend (who knows Jim...and probably has a crush on him), asking what I was doing.

Quasi-friend:  "We're at the beach near your house, want to join us?"

Clumsy:  "Sorry, at work.  Have fun!"

Quasi-friend:  "At work on a Saturday?  That sucks.  You should come meet us for a drink after you are done."

Clumsy:  "Pretty tired, but I might be up for that.  I'll let you know." (aka nope, not gonna be doing that)

After I arrive home, unpack my new purchases, swing my newly dyed hair while staring at myself in the mirror, I get another text.

Quasi-friend:  "We're on our way to dinner and noticed your car is back.  Come join us!"

Wow.  Thanks for the guilt trip.  Be right there, stalker.

It's one of those friends that I get along with fine, but don't ever really hang out with unless I am in a group.  She's a little awkward and so is her friend, Quasi-Awkward.  Quasi-friend keeps on asking me to hang out with her and I am always busy.  I finally feel like I have to go so that she stops asking me to hang out (and stops walking by my house to see if I am home).

I see Jim on my way to dinner.

"Your hair looks great!"

"Thanks!"

"Where are you off to?"

"Dinner with Quasi-Friend and Quasi-Awkward...even though I am exhausted and all I want is a glass of wine..."

"Oh...man, that's a tough crowd.  I am going to go sit on the couch and watch a movie."

"Don't rub it in..."

I arrive at dinner to a full pitcher of margaritas and two giggling awkward girls who want me around to entertain them.  If I didn't speak, this would be the most uncomfortable dinner ever, but I am the Clumsy Chatterbox and I delivered.

I decide to drink most of the pitcher of margaritas because I don't want these girls thinking they can hang out/sober up at my place afterwards.  I had flirting to do later and didn't need any quasi-competition.

"I don't know if I can drive..."

"Two margaritas will do that to you? Let's go get coffee and I will walk you to your car.  I am pretty tired."

"Could we grab a glass of water at your place beforehand?"

"Sure."

Jim says hi to them, we hand them waters and I literally try walking towards the door.  They finally take the hint and I leave.

Jim: "Want a glass of wine?"

Clumsy: "Yes, please."

Jim:  "Good, I already poured one for you when I heard you coming up the stairs."

Clumsy: "You rock."

We start flipping channels and he stops on What Women Want...we totally watch it.  Two bottles of wine later, we find our conversation leaning to the more sexual topics.  Somewhere in the middle of all this, when he's pouring me another glass of wine, he turns out all of the lights in the apartment.  

We're sitting in the dark.  Just us.  Watching a chick flick.  Talking about sex.  Sitting on the same couch.

Clumsy:  "I love going to the salon, my hair always feels so soft."

Jim:  "Can I feel it?"

Clumsy:  "Yeah...sure."

Jim:  "Wow.  One more time."  (Yep, he went back for seconds.)

We continue our conversation flirting and continue to watch movies in the dark.  I have no idea what time it is at this point.  It was when we got on the subject of my sex drive and the fact I'm a Scorpio and well, fit the profile, that I could tell we were both thinking about making out.

Jim: "Maybe I shouldn't be sitting this close."

Clumsy:  "Haha. Maybe you're right."

Jim:  "I have to get up really early tomorrow.  It's almost 3am."

Clumsy:  "3am?  It's really that late?"

Jim:  "Time flies when you're having fun.  Goodnight."

Clumsy: "Goodnight."

Sigh.  

I like him so much.

The Almost Moment

...and so it continues.

Jim, Daphne, Lori and I head to the bars within walking distance.  It is about 11pm on a Saturday night and we are not sure how long the lines will be to get in anywhere.  There's a bar that we tend to go to whenever we go out, but it is not that often.

We walk past the shops and bars on the pier and head to a place where we can dance.  Better yet, people watch and then dance!  Jim insists on buying the first round and we graciously accept.  Keep in mind, we've already finished five bottles of wine between seven people and two of them had to drive home.  We've all had at least 3 glasse

s each.  

Better keep it light...aka I order a vodka tonic.  Nice going, Clumsy!

We grab a booth and the people watching commences.

There is a couple that is so funny, Jim and I imitated them while Daphne and Lori tried to get a picture.  The guy kept on getting in trouble for ripping his shirt off stripper style and the girl was wearing a tank top as a dress.  I could see her skanky thong...the dress did not cover her bottom.  Anyway, enjoy this.  We sure did. :)

It was after this that the bar closed down and we struggled to leave.  I was in a particularly bold mood that night and decided to suggest Jim and I get cigars.  We ask Daphne and Lori if they would like them too, but they did not care to partake in this shameless act of flirting.

Jim walks into the liquor store. "What's the most expensive cigar you have?"

Cigar Dude: "$50."

Jim:  "What's the most expensive $8.99 cigar you have?"

Me:  "Hahahahahaha."

When we all arrive back at our humble beach abode.  Daphne and Lori get ready for bed.  They come outside for a sip of a cocktail while we light up our cigars, but head inside after five minute.

So.....it's just Jim and me.  On the porch.  Smoking cigars.  Alone.

Did I mention I have never smoked an ENTIRE cigar by myself before?

After an hour of smoking, talking and drinking, Jim leans a little closer.

I can feel the tension.  This could be it.  He might try and kiss me...I can feel it in my gut....

And then the feeling in my gut starts to rise toward my throat, and I realize I am about to barf.  I say I have to go to the bathroom and I RUN.  RUN like the wind.  I puke.  Brush my teeth.  Go into the kitchen for a glass of water and there Jim is.  In the kitchen with the lights out.  We talk a little while longer, but I know the moment has passed.

But it was almost a makeout session.  Almost.

Such an almost moment.  Ever have one of those?

Delicious Dinner Disaster with Daphne and Lori

Daphne and Lori were still in town. Daphne, Lori and I were barely recovering from our Rager the night before. We spent all morning cleaning, then went to the weirdest breakfast experience in the world.

At breakfast, the waitress spilled all of our meals on the way out to bring them to us, a woman asked us if we would watch her children (sitting in her running car out front) while she peed (I thought we were on hidden camera...it was bizarre) and people kept on taking pictures of this dog tied to the front of the restaurant with the longest tongue I have ever seen in my life.

At noon, I get a call from my 80 year-old quasi-weekend boss...he and his wife kind of invited themselves down to my beach house for dinner. At one, we head to the grocery store to get all of the ingredients for our elaborate dinner that we were frantically putting together for the dinner arrivals. The menu: peppercorn pork tenderloin with sweet and sour sauce (from scratch), gourmet mac and cheese, green beans, and chocolate-oreo-coffee-heathbar ice cream pie.

Lori is the gourmand, and I only half believe her because she lives with my sister, Daphne, who likes to take the cheese off of her pizza and then dip it in marinara. Me, I'm a pretty good cook, but also extremely messy and a procrastinator...huh, fit my personality much? Daphne can cook really well, but doesn't like cheese...which poses a problem when mac & cheese is part of the main course.

Jim had just gotten home from his mini-vacation and Chad was working on his baby (an old fixer-upper car). Jim met my sister and then went straight to take a nap. Chad, after being covered in grease, decides we need to wash off the porch if we are having dinner guests. I told both of my roommates that they HAD to come to dinner because they would have a great time, but they were both trying to get out of it and not looking forward to it at all.

The boss calls to tell me he is on my way, but his wife should be there sooner...and I start panicking. The meat is not on the grill, the mac & cheese is not in the oven, the green beans haven't been cleaned, and the dessert was not totally frozen. Not to mention, we didn't have enough wine in the house. I also didn't realize they would be taking separate cars and I only had 1 parking spot available for them. Parking is tough on the weekends near the beach.

The boss's wife arrives 20 minutes early with a plant that looked like it was headed for a funeral. She brings one bottle of wine. Chad, in his car/grease clothes volunteers to follow us in Jim's car in order to find her parking about 2 miles away.

We get back to the house and Chad lights the grill. I put the meat on while Daphne is showering. Chad goes to shower. I wake Jim up. The Boss arrives. The sweet and sour sauce scarily looks like it has chunks of white chocolate in it. The Boss forgets to bring the 2 bottles of wine he promised - his wife is mad. Daphne and Lori walk to the liquor store for a couple more bottles. Jim walks to the Boss's wife car to get a bottle of wine out of her car. I entertain the Boss and the wife with the wine we have when Chad comes out of his room.

"Boss, Boss's wife, nice to meet you. Clumsy, two questions for you. Where are Daphne, Lori and Jim...and who's watching the meat?"

"S%^&!"

Chad saves the day on the pork. I remake the sauce. Wine arrives and life is good. Daphne and Lori pull off the rest of the meal without a flaw. We spend time on the porch eating, talking and laughing. Five hours and five bottles of wine later, the Boss and his wife have left and the five of us are laughing hysterically about the night and the Rager we had the night before. Chad puts on a slide show of pictures on his flat screen and we were going through all of the events.

Jim says, "Clumsy, we have to take Daphne and Lori out on the town. They've been in town two nights and haven't seen anything but our apartment!"

So, Jim, Daphne, Lori and I head to the bar....

...To be continued.

The Girl Who Wanted a BBQ But Had a Rager

Daphne was in town with her roommate Lori for the long weekend of July 4th. They arrived Friday morning at 7:30am and the weekend got off to a quick start. I had been planning on having a big party for the 4th, but I wasn't quite prepared for the melee that ensued. At 9am, I went for a quick run while Daphne and Lori grabbed some coffee and we were going to go to breakfast down the street. I had just hopped out of the shower when we heard a knock on the door.

I opened the door and found Insecure Boy standing on my front porch with two kegs and a friend of his.

No joke.

The party wasn't supposed to start until after lunch and it was not supposed to be a kegger.

So, Insecure Boy and his friend came in, put the kegs on the porch and tapped them before 10am. Yes, 10am. Daphne, Lori and I went to grab breakfast to go and then headed back home to my party. My party that unexpectedly started at 10am. We got back, made ourselves some cosmos and decided to join in on the fun.

By 1pm, Kim had arrived with one of her friends in town from Boston and so had Ali, another girl from my high school that lives in the area. There were about 15 people there at this point.

Next thing you know, we're playing flippy cup with the neighbors and getting crazy.

Hours later there is red, white and blue frosting all over the carpet and a hundred people in my home. Faux Beau was out of town and Chad was drunk and in his room. People were barfing off the balcony, showering in my shower, smoking weed on the roof, the kegs were dry and I could see strangers walk straight off of the street and into the bathroom line.

Thirteen hours after the party started, after a girl tried to kick me out of my own party, I decided it was time to get everyone out and say goodnight.

Kim and her friend passed out on the couch, the former roommate and Lisa slept on the blowup mattress, Daphne was sleeping in my bed and an unidentified male was sleeping in Jim's bed.

Definitely a success.

**afterword** When Insecure Boy was leaving (after I said he could stay but his weird friends had to go), he said, "I spent $200 on those kegs and you're kicking me out...you know, I contributed to this party and I should be able to have my friends here." ...ASSHOLE.
In the morning, Lori said, "Who came back in the middle of the night? I heard a girl and a guy talking in the middle of the night. They were sitting on the fireplace."
After speaking with the now identified person who had passed out on Jim's bed...it was INSECURE BOY and a girl. Insecure Boy had climbed onto my porch (on the second floor) and broken in through the door and then brought a girl into my house.

I think this means I can no longer be friends with him. I mean, really? Really?

Parents = Party

When I was younger, I totally thought my parents were uptight. Now that I am older, I still do, with a few exceptions.

My parents didn't splurge on a big family vacation until I was in 8th grade. I had never seen the ocean up until that time in my life. We had gone on tours of the Midwest though, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, Minnesota...we'd driven there. My parents never took us out to dinner. We rarely went out as a family and most activities with each other were in the car, on the way to one of our weird vacations.

As soon as I came back from my first semester of college, something had changed. Maybe they saw how much fun other parents were having with their kids. Maybe they decided we kids weren't so bad after all. Maybe they decided they liked good food and wanted to share that with us. Whatever it was, it was GREAT. We'd all dress up and go to dinner. Our conversations weren't just "What did you do today?" or a criticism, it was light-hearted and yummy!

As time went on, my siblings and I grew to love these dinners more than even a nice rager at one of our friends' houses. Anyway, my parents started trying out the best gourmet restaurants with us and it became almost a necessity for a trip with the fam to mean, let's dress up for dinner and eat some good food.

When my parents came to visit me at my new place, that's just what we did.

They arrived on a Friday at noon while I was still at work. They went for a walk on the beach and stopped for Happy Hour at this trendy sushi bar. They TEXTED me to tell me how cool it was. Um, wow, my parents have never been this cool, EVER!

Friday night, we met my quasi-weekend-boss (an 80-year-old man who used to be somewhat famous) and his 60-year-old wife for dinner on the water. It was a 5-star restaurant. We were there for 3.5 hours and it was SO much fun, we couldn't stop smiling. Tourists came to try and get pictures taken with my quasi-boss and it was super fun.

Saturday, after the longest graduation ceremony (and most boring) my dad begs me to go to the supermarket. It was there I realized how much more cool my parents are now that I feel totally comfortable drinking in front of them. We bought handles of gin and vodka, a year's supply of tonic, and eight limes. It was 4pm.

They went to their hotel, got cleaned up, and walked over. Then, Papa Clumsy started playing bartender. Faux Beau was out of town, so he didn't get to meet them, but my other roommate, walked in the door to, "What drink can I fix for you?"

Kim and Andrew drove down to hang out with us too and it was jolly fun. We were pretty toasted by the time we started toasting around 8pm. We decided to walk to dinner down the street. Papa Clumsy says, "Well, I don't know about you guys, but if we're walking four blocks, I could use a cocktail for the road..."

Yep. My dad. Instigator of roadies.

Hilarious.

Overall, a great success. In the car on the way to the airport, Mama Clumsy said, "Clumsy, you know, we might not be as cool as the parents who can go out to bars and take shots with their kids, but I think we were a HIT this weekend! We were almost cool!"

I love you, Mom and Dad!

Aloha Awkward

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. It started off four weeks ago with my family going up to San Francisco to watch my little brother start his journey across America. He's bike-riding from the Golden Gate Bridge to Washington D.C. this summer. Totally wild, I know. The weekend after that, my parents flew in for the weekend (which I totally need to blog about) and I had my graduation from Fashion School (9.5 months after I graduated). Three days later, I left for Hawaii. On Friday, July 4th, my sister and her roommate flew in town at 7am for the weekend, I'm exhausted. And truly excited for a mellow weekend trying to flirt with my roomie. I'm thinking his new name should be Faux Beau? Thoughts?

But let's get back to Hawaii.

1. It was the best money I've ever spent irresponsibly in my life. I feel totally liberated that I stayed in and paid for a room all by myself. A nice room.

2. The weather was beautiful and I got a great tan.

3. My dress was killer. Faux Beau helped me pack. Which means I tried on dresses for him and he picked out which ones were the prettiest.

4. It felt like old times, but without the makeout sessions. I was "one of the boys" and had a great time catching up with everyone. The bride and groom had a lot of free time to hang out with everyone and that was really special. So many times, the weddings I sing in or go to are so stressful and jam-packed, you hardly see the bride and groom even if they are your close friend!

5. The mother and father of the groom kept on shouting, "Rekindle! Rekindle!" whenever I would talk to the Socially Slow Ex. He handled it awkwardly, but held it together. There was one moment when I think he was deciding whether or not he should kiss me, and then it passed.

Overall, the vacation was a success. I am so relieved to know I am not attracted to my ex and that I don't live in my hometown anymore. What an amazing weight off of my shoulders to know that I am truly happier here, doing what I am doing, instead of moping around with someone who doesn't even laugh at my jokes...