Have you been coughing?

You go to the doctor for your annual physical. It should be no big deal. But it always makes you nervous. It makes you think about anything you might have caught from someone, it makes you think about disease, and it makes you a bit of a hypochondriac.

Do you have any symptoms?

And maybe you don't, but you start thinking about how one side of your stomach hurt last week, um, oh and that migraine, is it fatal?

Are you sexually active?

Um, shit. Well, I've had sex...I mean, yeah. This makes you start thinking about relationships, and how you are either in one and having sex, or how you USED to have sex. Either one makes you think. Seriously, when did doctor's offices make you nervous and depressed.

Do you use protection?

Um, I'm on birth control...but I mean, we stopped using condoms after the first time we had sex. Shit, that sounds bad.

Then you feel like you need to explain. Um, I know that I am the only person he's sleeping with, because I am with him every night and we've only had sex with a very small number of people each, so I am sure I don't have disease and he's been tested.
And you find yourself oversharing to you doctor. I bet they could write some hilarious stories about what people have shared with them.

Then you decide you want to get tested for STDs. Just in case. Because you just gave a schpiel to the doctor and you feel like you need to get tested. To prove to them what you already know, you're fine. But you start questioning yourself anyway.

Do you want to get tested for AIDS?

Fuck. AIDS? I guess I should get tested. Yeah, definitely I should get tested. I mean, I've had sex without a condom before and I guess there is a possibility I have AIDS. Shit, I could have AIDS?

Then, you have to wait for your results and they won't leave a message. Something about privacy and legality. So you get a message like this..."Hi this is Nurse Bobbi from the Doctor's office, calling to let you know that you don't have any STDs. However, you'll need to come in person to get your AIDS test results."

That's why doctors are so hilarious. And I could never date one. Can you imagine how many diseases I would convince myself I had?

Let me finish my rant with two little stories.

After a minor home bikini waxing kit disaster, I convinced myself I had herpes. There was a chunk of skin missing on a very sensitive area...my doctor laughed. I didn't have herpes...but my doctor told me to NEVER use a home bikini waxing kit again.

A friend of mine, Kim, went to the doctor for her annual physical and the doc was looking at her throat. The doctor asked, "Have you been coughing?"

"No. Just have a little drainage."

"Have you been throwing up?"

"Nope. Haven't barfed since I drank too much in college and I don't have bulimia."

"Well, your uvula is bruised and there's only several ways this can happen. Throwing up, coughing, and well, giving oral sex."

"Um, that explains everything."

Kim admits to me that this was one awkward doctor's appointment as she had woken up her boyfriend with a blow job one hour before the appointment. Nice.

Also, I need to say thank you to Jack for bringing up AIDS on our first date. That's where this blog idea came from in the first place.