The Fine Line between Insecurity and Intimacy

Let me tell you a story. A very sad story. The story of Insecure Boy.

Insecure Boy and I went to the same high school. A crazy high school where hardly anyone was sexually active and the only drug available for abuse was weed. We drank, but not excessively, and we were genuinely good kids. Good kids living in the suburbs of a Midwestern town where the school parking lot was filled with Beemers, Hummers, and Mustangs. We were all a little spoiled, a little innocent and a little crazy.

I remember Insecure Boy. He does not remember me. Or at least he says he does not. He remembers some of the Seven Sparkles. He doesn't remember that he was in my English class. He was a bit of a class clown, hadn't hit puberty, and I remember I thought he was funny. I even found an entry about him in my diary. I perhaps had a crush on this quasi-geek in high school.

So, when I got a facebook message from him about a year ago (I was still talking to HC at this point) asking if I wanted to meet for Happy Hour, I agreed.

It was totally a friend thing. I have this amazing memory and can pull random names out of hats, so we reminisced about high school for all of five minutes and then we caught up on life. Surprisingly, we had a lot in common and both enjoyed it. We went to a pretty fun Happy Hour and then we both went our own ways.

I was a little surprised, but secretly excited when he called me the next week for Happy Hour. He worked close to my school, so he picked me up and we went to a different place for drinks and dinner. It became a pattern. We went out for dinner and drinks almost every week. Things with HC ended and we talked about both that and his dates. He was dating someone when we started our Happy Hour gigs and everything was good.

Over the summer, he would come over to my place for drinks and TV or I would go to his for tailgates and barbeques and such. We got pretty addicted to one particular show and he came over every week to watch it. One night, he fell asleep on my couch.

This is when I realized, I wished he was sleeping in my bed. Oh shit! I had a crush on Insecure Boy.

In typical Clumsy style, I was completely awkward. I avoided hugging him even though we always hugged because I was worried my big ol jumblies would smush against him and then I would really freak out. I am seriously a spaz. I started acting weird and avoiding calling him so that he would not suspect my crush.

Two weeks later, he calls to ask me....

...if I would be interested in going on a blind date with one of his friends.

Fuck. I'm blind-sided. I did NOT see this one coming. Not at all. And I'm usually a little intuitive when it comes to my people. My people that I see a lot of the time.

If he sets me up on a date, he's totally not interested in me. Get it out of your head.

Get it out of your freaking head.

So I went on the date. I went on the date dressed to the nines. And I had a good time talking with this guy and thinking about how I wanted to make out with the guy that set us up.

Get it out of your freaking head.

Blind date guy is totally into me and calls me two days later. I had warned him that I was in the middle of finals and was finishing my degree, but he apparently didn't care. I texted him back that I would call him after it was all over in a day. Blind date guy called three times the next day. One time he even left a message that said, "I am about to go to my softball game, but I'll be available from 6 to 9pm and you can call me then."

Um, I never called back. Giving me a window of time to call? You have GOT to be kidding me.

But Insecure Boy called. Insecure Boy called and wanted to hang out over the weekend.

I oblige.

Get it out of your freaking head.

We go to a tailgate during the day on Saturday. A pretty freaking suh-weet tailgate. Flat screen TVs, a big RV, leather couches. I park near his house and we walk. We start drinking and I meet a bunch of his co-workers and friends. They love me. I'm really cracking them up with my cleverness. Or maybe I just drank too much. Maybe he did too.

Co-worker: You and Insecure Boy make the cutest couple.
Clumsy: Oh, we're not dating. He set me up with one of his friends.
Co-worker: Really?
Clumsy: Yeah, really. That's how I knew he wasn't interested in making out with me.
Insecure Boy: (chokes on his drink) Um, what?
Co-worker: Well, this is interesting. There's definitely some sexual tension.

At this point, I walk off and start talking to other people. I pretend like my bad self did NOT just say that. My bad self DID just say that. So, I start flirting with everyone. Everyone but Insecure Boy.

He keeps on trying to get my attention. He's staring at me. I pretend not to notice. Shit. We're going to have to talk about what I said.

Insecure Boy: Um, so were you being serious about what you said earlier?
Clumsy: What did I say?
Insecure Boy: Um, about making out with me. Because I would definitely make out with you, but I think it's probably a bad idea.
Clumsy: Oh, it's totally a bad idea. Definitely. I can't stop thinking about it, but it's a TERRIBLE idea. Let's never talk about it again.
Insecure Boy: Uh...

I walk off again.

A couple drinks and a few hours later, we start walking back to his place. I am way too drunk to drive. He realizes his keys are in the tailgating car that left 15 minutes ago for the Valley.

He has to break into his apartment. He will not let me watch him break into his apartment. This is actually pretty hilarious. He climbs up to the balcony, jumps through his window, and yells down to me! We laugh! Did I mention it was raining? He comes running down the stairs, obviously exhilarated by the fact he just broke into his apartment, and picks me up, spins me around hugging me, and gives me one of the best kisses I have EVER had in my life. No joke. Raining, spinning, kissing. GREAT combo.

He carries me up the stairs reverse piggy back style while kissing me....

This disaster is to be continued....