He's carrying me up the stairs...we are making out.
All I can say, is that IT. IS. ON.
It's on.
My clothes are flying off. Rapidly. I am RIPPING his shirt off. He lays me down on the couch. We are making out, but only PG-13 making out at this point.
When the pants come off and we head to the bedroom, I realize this is the point of no return. I am going to make out ALL the way with Insecure Boy.
My internal monologue is saying, "Holy crap. This is actually great. I am really enjoying myself here. Wow. Insecure Guy. I freaking like you. And you are really great in bed..."
Until...
SNAP!!!!!
The condom breaks and pops so hard I have a freaking WELT. A WELT on my freaking vuh-j-j.
Over. Totally done. The moment is lost. And if I was really listening, I would have heard our friendship gasp its final breath, but I'm too much of an optimist.
Flash forward to 8:00am the next morning. Everything's fine. I'm cool with this. Fine. Totally fine. Totally naked. And totally self conscious. Totally fine.
I wake Insecure Boy up and drive him to work. We make fifteen minutes of small talk, but I can't look him in the eye. Why can't I be less awkward? AHHH! Can I puh-lease have a re-do? I totally want a re-do. Totally fine, I'm totally fine.
He says he'll call and I get a text from him at work that says: Wow. I'm really hungover. Hope I everything is cool with us.
See? Fine. Totally fine. Totally normal.
I try to be my suave, texting self and say: Wow. Things would be a lot more cool if we would have tried it on top of the washer and dryer. haha.
Totally fine.
No reply. Shit. Totally NOT fine. I am SO not funny right now. Can I please learn to use humor appropriately?! I am a freak! A freak who slept with her friend and ruined EVERYTHING and is trying to make a joke about sex on a washer and dryer in a text message!?
Later that night, I realize I am missing my I.D. It was in my pocket and I found my pants in the living room in the morning. Guh-reat. I have to call him. I have to mother freaking call him. Totally NOT fine.
He doesn't answer. I leave one of those terribly awful messages like: "Hey, hope you made it through the day okay...just wondering if you found my I.D. anywhere. I'm leaving to go out-of-town with my sister in two days and I really need it. It was in my pants pocket...so, uh, it might have fallen out last night...let me know if you find it."
Dear Lord. In my head, I'm hitting myself, he probably thinks I just needed an excuse to call! Or that I left it there on purpose!
I get a text the next night saying he found it. No call back.
I go to pick up the I.D. at his place of work. We have a pretty normal, if not nice, conversation and I tell him I'm going to pick up Daphne at the airport. He says, "Call me when you get back."
I get back from my vacation and call him a day later and leave him a message. Nothing too weird.
Clumsy's message: "Hey, just got back in town and had the BEST vacation of my life. Seriously, it was awesome and I have some great stories....How was your weekend? Hope it was great. Anyway, call me."
Insecure Boy's message later that night: "Hey, I just got your message. Sorry I missed your call, I just worked out for five hours. Yeah, so I'm pretty exhausted and I think I'm going to go to bed now. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
Hmmm. FIVE hours. You worked out for FIVE hours. What are you, freaking Hercules? That was weird.
I call him the next day. He doesn't answer and I leave a short message. "Dude. Just callin' you back. Call me."
Two weeks pass. NOTHING. Not a text, not a call, not an e-mail, NOTHING.
Um, dude, we were friends and then you stuck your dick in me and now I feel REALLY awkward. Awkward because so much time has passed and now it is AWKWARD. Much more awkward than it was last week or the week before.
At first, I'm annoyed, then I'm worried, then I am fucking pissed. I mean, really pissed.
Insecure Boy was always saying I'm a nice girl and I need to stand up for myself when I'm mad. I had always preferred to use funny curse words, like fucktard, in order to show my anger. Most people just mistake it for cute, but I only use fucktard when I'm really mad. Insecure Boy told me that when I really need to get someone's attention and let them know I'm upset with them, I should call them a FUCKSTICK.
He made me practice saying it like I mean it.
And I did.
Well, I meant it in my text message...does that count?
Clumsy: How much time should pass before I start calling you a fuckstick instead of a friend? Let me know.
Insecure Boy: Wow. Sassy. Probably last week.
Clumsy: Well, fuckstick, can we pretend like this didn't happen and be normal?
Insecure Boy: I will do whatever it takes to stay friends with you. It's really important to me.
Clumsy: Fine. Done. Let's hang out soon.
He calls me the next day. "Want to hang out this weekend? Why don't you come over for cranberry-vodkas on Friday and I'll make you pancakes."
Pancakes? Is he serious about the pancakes? This is such a non-friend hang out and I have to pretend like we're friends. And sit on that couch...
I get over there at 8pm looking my very best and he goes in for the hug. Actually, he said, "Don't I get a hug?" (I shudder) This time I am totally aware of my boobs squishing against his body. Kill me. Please.
Five cranberry-vodkas and four pancakes later, we finally talk about it.
Clumsy: Dude, you totally got weird on me.
Insecure Boy: I got weird because you asked how my weekend was...
Clumsy: What?! You've got to be kidding me. Because I asked how your weekend was? You're crazy. I had just talked about mine and then I asked about yours...and then I get a message from you saying you worked out for FIVE hours. THAT, was weird. FIVE hours?
Insecure Boy: Whatever. Well, can we just agree it was a mistake and it can never happen again?
Clumsy: (I swear I didn't cry, but I totally wanted to) Definitely.
Note to self: Sleeping with one of your friends, means they've seen you naked. And seeing a friend naked means he is not your friend anymore. And when you have to pretend like nothing happened, pray you're a good actor...scratch that, pray you're an Academy Award winner, because it's impossible to pretend like nothing happened. Impossible. Every time you see him, it flashes back to Scene Number Seven, where you're kissing and spinning in the rain, and then you feel like shit.
19 comments:
Sex ruins everything...why is he insevure, I must have missed that point.
I lost my virginity to a guy friend and things are still awkward. I'm like we haven't had sex in like years and you have a girlfriend. Can't we just hangout and not think so much?
Time is going to f*ck with you on this one, just relax and act natural…or at least try to…
Lazy Blogger
i meant insecure and ignore that lazy blogger part...
Good Lord. What is this kid's problem?
I think my favorite line is "Um, dude, we were friends and then you stuck your dick in me and now I feel REALLY awkward."
HAHAHA! Love it.
Well done. Good blog here.
For a while there I thought the dude was only acting like he was your friend, because he wanted to poke you. Then he did, and wanted nothing to do with you.
Then he wants to make you pancakes and cocktails, but NOT sleep with you.
I have no idea what this guy's motivations are, and that's what scares me . . .
Sheezus. That's like straight out of a movie. Sorry for ya :(
a welt? WELT?
if the dude can't think of a better excuse then I worked out for 5 hours, do you really want to be his friend? haha
Awesome [in the absolute idiocy of what he's done here].
If it weren't so tragic it would have been funny...especially the practicing saying, "fuckstick"
Its the opinion of one UBH that you gotta dig deep on the *I'm really pissed* swearing and fuckstick just doesn't get the job done.
Always a classic, Motherfucker, typically communicates the severity of one's pissed-off-ed-ness.
Pancakes?
MsP: Yes it does. And I'll delve into his insecurities later...but trust me, he's got 'em. Starting with high school. ISSUES.
Chard: You know he's got problems. And so do I.
doc noise: Thank you. Blogging is my new therapy. And if I knew his motivations, I wouldn't be so messed up about the situation. I'm baffled. And I will be talking more about it when I tell the story of Chard's birthday.
Mortar: A movie would have at least had a good soundtrack. This one had a snapping condom and a heart breaking....haha.
M: A freaking welt. Yep. Days later, I could SEE the evidence of my actions. And yeah, the five hour workout...wtf.
Unbon: Motherfucker. Yeah, I'll practice that some more too, even in typing, it doesn't seem like I'm good at cursing! And yes, I'll have some pancakes. Pancakes with lots of syrup and a side of sadness.
Damned mixed signals. I've got an insecure boy of my own right now. I'm trying to blind date him right out of my mind (because sex ruined everything) but it's slow going.
Good luck!
God. Men and their penises.
They really ruin everything, don't they?
I've gotta admit that I had some moments where I laughed pretty loudly. Not because the situation is funny but because I've been there myself and that's exactly how that went down.
I lost my V to "my friend."
Oy. Vai.
Most awkward thing I've ever done in my life. Meh.
ps: fuckstick is my new favorite word. I use fucktard all the time but fuckstick is much, much better.
Absolutely incredible post. You did an amazing job at capturing from a personal point of view a more universal experience.
The "Hercules" line cracked me up.
maiden: Blind dating him out of your mind is definitely a great way to go...as long as he is NOT the one setting you up on the blind dates...haha.
just me: Yes. Yes they do.
deutlich: Ah yes, fuckstick is a great word. However, now I think of him every time I say it. I need a new one...any suggestions would be much appreciated. And I, too, find humor in my fuck ups. :)
arjewtino: Thanks dude. And a universal experience for all people awkward. Hercules, man, it still gets to me. And he changed his facebook pic to a pic I took from the day we hooked up...where he looked buff. Seriously.
hmm.. how 'bout fuckwad?
I seem to have a personal investment in words that start with fuck. Not sure how or when this started, but it's truly the perfect word.
I totally feel the for guy.
So close to being taken to the mother land and then being drug back to Earth while you claw the ground all to a condom mishap.
Girls can sleep that shit off. But I'll venture sleep and homeboy took a while to find each other.
He he! Adore your blog and added your link to mine, hope it's OK :-)
Boys, men... I call 'em Moys and most of them seriously need to grow up, build a bridge and get over it, you know?
So it was a bit of bad sex, call it an adventure not to be repeated and get on with life and the friendship. Hopefully have a laugh over it and be closer friends in the end.
Life is too short for dramas :-)
Oh holy shit. This is exactly how it goes. But the welt is a new, hilarious addition.
Deutlich: Love that word.
So@24: I didn't sleep for weeks after...You feel for HIM? Not poor little heartbroken Clumsy?
Technodoll: Moys suck.
The ex: This is how it goes. And yes, a welt.
AH! I've had that experience before. I thought it was a huge mistake though and well... he didn't.
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