A Couple Miles From Crazy and Happy

Not too long ago, in a land a couple miles away, I had a crazy and terrible day. And then I went to a party.

I met up with Insecure Boy for tailgating in the morning. His dad was in town and he wanted all of his friends to meet him. Apparently, I am a friend...even though Insecure Boy has slipped me the Hot Beef Injection. All of his "friends" included a handful stopping by, but otherwise, it was just me. Insecure Boy, his dad, his sister, and his brother-in-law. Wow. Pretty awkward.

I handled it beautifully. I was charming, funny, and cute.

For lil ol Clumsy, I was on top of my game. Had a great conversation with his sister, made his dad laugh, and charmed his co-workers. I even flirted with him a little.

About three hours later, I went to the little girls room, came back, and he was gone. Everyone was gone. No text, no call, no good-bye.

I was SOOOOOO pissed. I knew he had tickets to the game, but not even a "hey, see ya later!" or a "we went into the game"?**

I went home, slept for a couple hours, and Kayla came home with two of her sisters. We decided to go to dinner before I went to my brand-new friend Chardonnay's (we weren't on a nickname basis at this point...I wasn't even a blogger) birthday party.

I was dressed in this short silver dress, with my fabulous designer coat and black patent leather shoes with silver heels. I had to leave to go to Chardonnay's birthday party from the restaurant, so I drove separately with one of Kayla's sisters. Kayla's sister just broke off her engagement and we had a lot to talk about. I'm sort of obsessed with Christmas music, and seeing as this happened to be December, I had just burned a CD of some killer Baby Jesus's birth songs.

Here we are, driving to dinner, and having an intense conversation. I'm kind of venting about Insecure Boy, she's venting about her lost love, and suddenly, out of nowhere....I shout....

"I'M HORNY!!!!!" (Then I dramatically turn up the volume of My Grown up Christmas List)

Boom.

Fuck.

Beemer.

I hit a fucking beemer.

While screaming, "I'm HORNY!"

I shit you not.

Is this God punishing me for being horny and singing along in celebration of the birth of his Son?

So, we pull into an empty lot and my car's hood is up about 5 inches, but the rest of everything looks fine. The beemer looks untouched. I went under it.

So, after exchanging information with the scariest woman I have ever met in my life, I drove my poor little Honda home.

I call Chardonnay on the way home.

Clumsy: Dude, I don't know if I can make it to your party.

Chardonnay: Why? You have to come!

Clumsy: I just got into a car accident. I hit a freaking beemer.

Chardonnay: Omigod, are you okay?

Clumsy: Fine, except for my ego.

Chardonnay: Go home, take care of some stuff, and then take a cab over here.

Clumsy: I'll try. Talk to you later.

After talking with my dad and insurance company, I make a decision. Either this day is just going to SUCK BALLS. Or I am going to my new friend's birthday party and it is going to be a great time. A great time known as the night of Chardonnay's birthday.

This story is to be continued.....

**So the first time I talked to him since the "I'm Horny" accident was when he called to invite me to his birthday party two weeks ago.

And we're hanging out tonight.

What the f*&% am I supposed to wear? And should I try to accidentally fall on top of his penis or take the higher ground and pretend I don't want to. I mean, do you really blame me? I can't really afford another "I'M HORNY" car accident. It's expensive.