Always the Wedding Singer, Never the Bride (Part 1)

Well, I feel like I’m far enough into this blogging thing that I can tell you about how I’m a wedding singer and you won’t laugh TOO hard at me. Well, I sing in wedding ceremonies, but it’s not my career. In high school, I used to get paid to do it, and I apparently promised every girl that I ever met that I would sing in her wedding. Now, I’m 26, single and singing in an average of five weddings a year.

The good thing is, I am not a bridesmaid, so I don’t have to wear a matching dress. The bad thing is, I never get a plus one. I never get a plus one and people are always trying to set me up at weddings. Which usually makes things really awkward, but whatever, I'm a freaking riot on the dance floor.

Two of the Seven Sparkles got married in 2007 and I sang in both of their weddings. One of them, Mimi, got married two weeks after HC and I stopped seeing each other. Therefore, I was in dire need of a rebound or just a guy to make out with after the wedding. And when I’m on a mission, I usually succeed.

I fly into my hometown for the rehearsal and to practice with the guitar player. I’m the only other girl there besides the bridesmaids who are practicing walking up the aisle. All of the men are dates of the bridesmaids or are groomsmen, save one.

A cute one. A cute, tall, well-dressed one. I focus on my target, get a good visual, and go in for the casual introduction, Clumsy style.

I fall and spill my purse on the pew and then sit down behind him. Wow. Way to look like a spaz, Clumsy, way to look like a spaz. But he turns and looks at me, and says, “Hey, I think I met you at the engagement party.”

Clumsy (Thinking…I have never seen this person before in my life, but DAMN does he look good): “Oh yeah, I remember, that was a really fun night.”

Suave Beefy Guy: “This is going to be a really fun wedding. Well, I’ll see you at the rehearsal dinner, right?”

Clumsy: “Yeah, wouldn’t miss it!”

Suave Beefy Guy is a little cheesy, so I know he's my type! Suave Beefy Guy is the amateur photographer, and some part of the wedding party because he knows both Mimi and the groom really well. I need to figure out who this guy is…because I never forget meeting people and he remembers me!

Mimi: “Oh funny, don’t you remember the big guy with long hair at the party?”

Clumsy: “Yeah? That cannot be him. No freaking way. That guy was a freaking hippie with hair to his shoulders!”

Mimi: “He cut it and gave it to Locks of Love…haha. Seriously, he did. He’s a really good guy. He’s in law school and went to undergrad with me and Groom. Are you interested in Suave Beefy Guy?”

Clumsy; “Hmmm….perhaps interested in sucking face with him, but time will tell. Go enjoy your wedding rehearsal! Woo! Another Sparkle getting married!”

At the rehearsal dinner, I am charming as can be and the biggest flirt in the whole world. Good thing I had a brand new black dress for the occasion! We go to the bars afterwards and run into every person I haven’t seen since high school, so I start ignoring Suave Beefy Guy. The end of the night comes and I am about to leave when, Suave Beefy Guy touches my arm and looks me straight in the eye, smiling, “You’re leaving without saying good-bye to me?”

Clumsy: “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Suave Beefy Guy.”

Suave Beefy Guy: “If you're lucky...drive safe.”

Hmm, he seems like he might be flirting with me!

Mimi’s wedding day arrives and all the Seven Sparkles are at the wedding and so are our parents. This proves to be pretty funny…since I found out my parents have been taking secretive dance lessons and they are showing them off at the wedding. We are dancing up a storm and Suave Beefy Guy asks me to dance during a slow dance.* I think my dad gave him a nod as a go ahead, which just makes me cringe a little inside.
***
We joke around and have a pretty good conversation for all of the three minutes of dancing. I have to say, Suave Beefy Guy is a pretty good dancer. He also makes a point to ask what my plans are following the wedding.

I practically sit on top of him in his truck to head to the bar, some other dude is sitting next to me and I am sitting bitch.** We are walking from the car to the bar when he almost jumps in front of me, turns to face me, and kisses me in the middle of the street. I’m definitely caught off guard here, but he’s a great kisser.

When we get into the bar, I immediately see every single college friend I haven’t seen since college. They were there for a bachelorette party (my life has all sorts of random coincidences) and since I am home from Cali, imagine about 20 squealing girls running and surrounding me. Yeah, this guy probably just saw his manhood being put on ice. But he’s pretty cool about it and says, “Why don’t we meet upstairs in twenty minutes, you can catch up with your girls and I’ll grab us drinks and a table. Just in case you can’t find me, let me get your number.”

Um, yeah, Suave Beefy Guy gets major points here. Smooth, really freaking smooth. Cheesy and smooth are synonyms in my world. Feel free to use either one when reading my blog.

Jazz is there and she says, “Damn girl, where’d you get this guy? HOT. Didn’t you just stop seeing HC? Haha!”

Jazz and I laugh, take shots, and then she sends me up to the roof to meet him. “Go get ‘em Tiger. Make me proud.”

Jazz knows I NEVER go home with randoms. I just don’t. I don’t bring them home unless I’ve known them for a while and she know at this point in my life, I’ve only slept with two people total (no Insecure Guy disaster quite yet). Jazz wishes I would loosen up a bit and take some risks, but I’m pretty much a nervous wreck…about all things in life including dry cleaning and grocery shopping.

I see him from across the room and he has a beer waiting for me. He has a beer and it’s the beer I drink (a draft made in my hometown) and he didn’t even ask me what I wanted. Smooth, really smooth.

(to be continued...before Friday...because I might be seeing Suave Beefy Guy this weekend and I need to get you up to date!)


*I know, I know, this is SO middle school.
** Sitting bitch, AGAIN!
***Can you tell which one is me? Hint, not the beautiful bride.